Day 3

14 July 2012

mom called today, telling me that someone saw her with another guy in pulau tikus. once i hear that, i totally lost control of myself. the only thing in my mind is that is there another guy and what is she doing with that guy. i couldn't control myself and end up giving her a call. i asked her who she is with and the only cold reply i get is that it doesn't concern you. i am going crazy.

i'm doing everything that i am not suppose to do. i can't help it. i'm at verge breaking down. i can't believe how idiotic i am, still caring for a girl that has long been gone. every where i go, where thing i do, i think of her. but in the end it is more heartache for me when she is living her life happily.

i went for spa today, thinking that i may help me relax. but being there brings make memory of us in bali. in my mind, i thought of bringing her to the place for her bday. but what importance is there. i am not longer part of her life. i kept telling myself to walk away but...

went to gurney with my cousin the other day, went into a tech shop. automatically i went to survey for laptops cause i know she needed one. after comparing the models, i eventually remember that she is long gone.

i went to times squares with hwei a week back and saw a phone cover. the first thing that came to mind was, this is what she would want. but hwei reminded me that she is no longer here.

everyone is telling me that and i know nothing can bring her back. but what  can i do to stop thinking of her. we have been so many places, done so much together, every where i go, every where i am, also there's memories about us. is that not even one corner or place that will remind her of us. is there not a thing, even a cup of drink or a song that would remind her of us.

last nite ee lin ask me whether i regreted. Yes i regreted. I regret that why i can't be rational and be calm. why do i have to rush into every thing. if i could have waited for a month, things might not be this bad. if i haven't given her deadlines, there may be a chance that the rs will survive. but all is now gone. vanish into thin air.

i dunno how to express myself anymore. i can no longer smile or laugh. all i feel is my heart being stab by the woman i once thought would be my wife and torn apart. is there no true love, no forever after.

i have no idea why am i still counting down the days till the 23rd of july. there is already no turning back. there is no way we will ever get bac together. i know clearly all the facts and wat is happening. i kept telling myself that it will be better but it is not.

love is nothing but heartache.

i surrender. i surrender.