Day 1

12 july 2012

today is the first day I started with this diary. The day I stop writing will be the day I have let go of tzin. It has been more than 3 weeks since the official break up. And until today still feels very bad. Just got off the phone talking to my junior, telling her my thoughts and feelings. Couldn’t control and cried.

I’ve been seeing a girl lately. She’s nice, its ok being around her but just couldn’t find the feeling that tzin gave me. Words just cant describe. Jeffrey has been asking me whether I’m interested or not and would I wanna take action or not. I did not say anything and just ‘fu yan dai guo’. Cause I know until today, tzin still occupies my heart. It’s currently not available. i am so tired. I know that the right thing to do is not to call and to text tzin but my heart is telling me that I miss her and I wanna see her and talk to her. Every single day I have to force myself not to call, not to text like what everyone ask and every thing she said has been crystal clear. I feel so tired that I can’t just do what I want and being fake every day. I have to pretend that I am ok in front of my parents, my friends and the person I love.

Mom called and ask me whether I have any interviews lately and how am I feeling. I am getting very tired of ppl asking me whether I am ok. I said no. she suggested that I go pray and seek advice from god. Saying that haven’t found a job and a lot has been happening. That made me feel even worse. I know it has been very fucked up for the passed few weeks of my life. And honestly I also dunno what happen and everything is just like a dream.

When life is fucked up bad enough, I actually thought of going to god. Hoping that god can help me out. I actually called hwei to ask where is the place to go pray. Its kinda funny thinking about it cause I dun think I’m a person who is very into god. What can I say desperate times, desperate measures.

Another stupid thing that I made today was to talk to one of tzin’s close fren. Her so called ‘ji mui’, asking hw is tzin doing lately and whether she had met her. Her answer was fairly not helpful. She said met tzin a few days back and should be doing fine. To me, its pure bullshit. If u are not willing to share or help, just say so. Lately I know that she have been hanging out v frens most of the nights. I have no idea who is she with when all the frens I asked say they haven’t seen her for quite some time. That really worries me. Hope that she is ok.